It was a really nice day!

Hello all!  Today was a great day!  I have been feeling better yesterday and today, granted, my energy is still not close to 100%, but I am for sure doing better than I was.  Yesterday I got my eyebrows waxed/shaped up.  That sounds like such a little thing, but it really was so refreshing when I have needed to find things that can help me feel better.  I also made an appointment to get my hair cut and colored in 2 weeks!  I have tried to go the low budget route for my hair since moving here and it is just not cutting it.  The gray hairs are overtaking the brown and I am not really all that old.  It is time to get a really good hair cut and good color and give myself all that more of a lift in how I feel these days.

Today I could have stayed home and worked on the house as I do have more energy.  It was however a very nice and sunny day.  I felt like today would serve me better with getting out and at least doing some window shopping and maybe buy something new if I found the right thing.  I have not set foot in a store that was not just the grocery store since the beginning of January.  I thought before I left about what exactly I would be on the look for when I was out today.  I kind of forgot what it was like to go shopping.  I have not done it in so long.  I started out with returning a sweater to Macy's.  I looked around Macy's for a while, but I didn't buy anything.  Truth be known, I am still on 10 mg of prednisone and still carrying around some swelling and fluid from Lupus, so even though I kind of feel like I would really enjoy some new clothes, anything I would get right now would not be the size I plan to stay in.  I did however end up buying 2 tops this afternoon.  One was just a basic long sleeved v-neck black top at the Talbots outlet for really cheap.  I know, boring, black and long sleeved.  But it is stretchy and flattering and we still have some chilly days ahead and I have been rotating between the same 4 long sleeved tops for the last 2 months because of what I can fit in to right now.  I most certainly deserve at least one more long sleeved shirt to get me through until I am back to my normal size and where I would like to be.  That particular top, I believe will still work when I lose this extra weight and fluid that is hanging around.  So it was a good purchase.  I also bought a short sleeve lavender yoga top with a cute swirly design on it at BJ's Wholesale, again, not the size I would really like, but in all reality, it will warm up some and I know that I will not want to hang out only in long sleeve tops for another month.  It is cute and it will get me by with a few other short sleeve tops I have that will work ok for now.  I also got Corey's Chobani yogurt while at BJ's.  It is his favorite and I had a $2 off coupon from BJ's.  So it was really quite perfect timing for more of his yogurt.  I had been getting by on what I could get cheap at the commissary for the last 2 months for his yogurt.  He will be super excited that I have his favorite again.

I also went to the christian bookstore today.  I have been like a sponge more so than usual that last couple of months with reading my bible and soaking in God's truth.  I wouldn't be able to get through this in quite the way I have without doing so.  I still find myself looking pretty ugly when I look back at some of my days in the past with all of this Lupus stuff.  But in all of it, I know that God has worked in it and will continue to do so.  God has given me grace where I have failed miserably and I am thankful for that.  I never have had it all together and I never will.  The best I can do is to keep following after God and keep learning more about him and who he is and what he has for me.  In doing so, I found myself desiring a new bible.  I got a bible that has the Message version and the NIV version side by side.  Basically, two bibles in one.  I need a lot of help understanding and the Message really helps me in that.  I like the idea of being able to carry one bible and have both versions right along with me.  I also got a new devotional book.  I thought about getting the actual book to read, but felt the devotional more suited my needs at this time.  Lysa TerkKeurst has a new book called Unglued, Making Wise Choices In the Midst Of Raw Emotions.  I am sure the book is great and who knows, I may end up getting the actual book eventually, but today I opted for the 60 day devotional book.  The original book is really what caught my attention.  On the front of the book there is a picture of a lady with a purse over her head.  Yep a purse!  LOL!  I would take a picture of my book to show you, but the devotional book has a completely different picture on it, she is only carrying the purse on front of the book I bought.  This really caught my eye.  I can so relate!  It is kind of like having a paper bag over your head and burying and hiding yourself.  Only this was a purse, so it looks really even more ridiculous.  This devotional book will be good I am sure.  But also in getting this book, I realized that I have done some growing.  In the beginning of finding out that my Lupus was flaring up, I wanted to hide myself, cover myself up and just stay away from others.  I didn't want anyone to see me with all this extra fluid and swelling and all the ick stuff that prednisone does.  I could be hiding my head under a paper back or in my purse, but instead, I have gotten out when I can and when I have had the energy and made it to bible study consistently, knowing that the ladies there are not going to judge me, but pray for me.  I have done my best to stay out of that position of hiding myself.  This is a new way for me when it comes to handling emotions and my perception of myself.  I would normally be so hard on myself and feel like everyone would view me as the big whale I see myself as right now.  But I have not played in to those emotions much, at least if I have, I haven't camped out there.  So I feel like this book was very much a book that just reached out at me.  It was a book that had a picture on it that said, hey you could have camped out here, but you didn't.

And now because of that, I have something else to share.  A song that speaks to where I am right now came on the radio and don't you just love when that happens!  I put the lyrics below and it is very true!  Before anything happens, it has to go through God's hands first and no matter what He will be there and help me through it.  Just love this song!

It is called,  No Matter What, By Kerri Roberts

I'm runnin' back to Your promises one more time
Lord, that's all I can hold onto
I've got to say this has taken my by surprise
But nothing surprises You

Before a heartache can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I keep askin' why
I keep askin' why

No matter what, I'm gonna love You
No matter what, I'm gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I'll trust You

No matter what
No matter what

When I'm stuck in this nothingness by myself
I'm just sitting in silence
There's no way I can make it without Your help
I won't even try it

I know You have Your reasons for everything
So I will keep believin'
Whatever I might be feelin', that You are my hope
{ From: http://www.elyrics.net }
And You'll be my strength

No matter what, I'm gonna love You
No matter what, I'm gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I'll trust You

No matter what
No matter what

Anything I don't have, You can give it to me
But it's okay if You don't
I'm not here for those things the touch of Your love
Is enough on its own

But no matter what, I still love you
And I'm gonna need you

No matter what, I'm gonna love You
No matter what, I'm gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I'll trust You

I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I'll trust You

No matter what
No matter what

I know God doesn't want any of us to go through something such as a time of illness or any other hardship being unchanged by it.  If we allow him to and we choose to involve him in our hard times, we grows and changes us.  There is also comfort in knowing that it all has to pass through his hands first.  

I had a fun day out today!  I didn't come home exhausted which is a major bonus these days!  I ate lunch at Pei Wei Asian Diner while I was out.  It was just ok.  But it was good to be out and eating somewhere other than at home. I got an iced venti tazo green tea with my Starbucks gift card from my mom that she sent for my birthday.  Yes, finally feeling good enough to get out and use it!  I enjoyed just being out and about.  It was good to wander around and window shop and also get a few new things today!

I also heard from my mom today that she will be coming for a visit in April!  Pat has to go on a trip for about a week and a half.  She is going to come spend that time with Corey and I.  It will be so good to see her :).

Keep checking back, I will be writing more in the near future.  I have a lot of thoughts and feelings to share.  Some of it will involve getting on the other side of a Lupus flare and I will continue to share my grateful heart.

Choosing to be thankful

As most of you know, I have been sick in one way or another since the beginning of January.  I started out with a sinus infection that lasted 2 1/2 weeks.  I then got the flu while I also realized that the Lupus Nephritis I have had for 17 years had started to flare up.  I have not had a flare up in 8 years.  This totally took me by surprise.  I had just been to my rheumatologist in November with excellent lab work results and everything looking wonderful.  We believe that the sinus infection was the trigger for my lupus flare up.  I have struggled with this flare up in more ways than one.  I had in my head that I could be over it in a couple of weeks.  Wow, was I wrong.  It has been almost a month now and I am still fighting this flare up head on.  I have had quite the mix of emotions about all of it from the beginning.  It was shocking to me to realize that this could come on so sudden and also stay and mess with my life for so long.  I have reminded myself that since it has been 8 years since a flare up, I really did forget what it was like to have Lupus Nephritis come and hit me head on and really work on my immune system.  I look back and realize that the only 2 other times I have dealt with a flare up, 8 years ago and 17 years ago, I was super duper sick.  We are talking weeks in the hospital with being sick and kidney biopsy each of those two times.  It is quite a recovery process after a kidney biopsy too.

In all of this, I have come to realize that even though I was shocked this time by how fast it came on and how long it wants to stay around, I am still in a lot better shape than I was in either of my previous times.  This is something to be thankful for.  I could be in a hospital bed and not able to take care of my family.  Instead I am at home and resting.  That helps me to put things in perspective also.  I feel like I haven't been able to physically do anything for over a month.  I have taken more naps and rested more in a month than I most likely have in a whole year.  But when I compare this to the option of being in the hospital, it really is not nearly as bad.  It has been hard to not have more energy than it takes to get groceries and do a few other basic things.  Needless to say, our house isn't all that tidy and some of our meals are less than great.  But in all of this, God has slowed me down.  I have focused on Him more than I was doing before I had this flare up.  I have been going weekly to a bible study that has been very good for me and of course we get to church.  I have had my good days and my bad days.  The bad days require way more rest because they involve a lot more pain that is more difficult to tolerate.

I have also dealt with something new this round and if you are on my facebook, you already know this.  But 2 of my medications being taken together has caused me acid reflux/GERD issues.  I was sharing with my sister Melissa, (who is one of my best supporters and one who knows first hand what it feels like to go through chronic health issues and most recently recovered from a really bad round with her Chron's Disease which even had her in emergency surgery over her vacation) about the pain involved with the acid reflux/GERD before it was diagnosed.  She asked me what my pain level was on a scale of 1-10.  I immediately felt like she knows and understand pain and she feels for what I am going through to ask what level of pain I am going through.  I told her it was a 9 on the pain scale.  She asked me what kind of 9 it was and this led the discussion of how us McCrory girls are not wimpy.  We have a very high tolerance to pain.  We have both been through more pain than we have cared to, but it takes quite a bit of it to break us down.  Thank you sis for understanding and asking.  It means more than you know.  It helps to have someone who has walked in my shoes, not that I would want anyone to, but it helps to know someone can feel for where I am at.

I am doing much better overall most days.  But there are still some things that I will deal with for quite some time.  I still have to wait for my kidneys to get back to a better place.  I still deal with some pain, although the GERD has remarkably stayed away.  I feel that has been mostly due to food choices and knowing what can trigger it.  I deal with swelling all over my body, pain and stiffness in my joints.  I don't sleep all the way through the night, most nights.  I have a hard time breathing in the very early morning, so I lay asleep instead of getting up, trying to get a little more rest.  I am very tired most days and yes I have better days that I can do more.  I deal with shooting pains that happen at very random times in a leg, arm, my neck, etc.  I deal with major hand cramps at very unexpected times.  But in all of this I still choose to be thankful.  Thankful that I have so many people that care, thankful that I don't personally know very many people that have to go through this type of a chronic illness (I wouldn't want anyone to have to go through this if they didn't have to), thankful that I have God right by my side (I can't imagine life with a chronic illness such without God.  He brings peace I can't find anywhere else.  He helps when I feel alone in the illness).  I am thankful that if I have to go through this, that it is during the winter months.  If I have to be swollen, it sure is good to have long sleeves and long pants to cover it all up.  I am thankful for my family and their patience in all of this.  My husband has been so patient, loving, and understanding.  Corey has been great too.  My mom and my sister and others have been so kind and loving as well.

I know I am on the road to recovery and so I choose to be thankful.  Thank You to everyone who has offered kind words, prayers, and love during all of this.  It means more than you will ever know.